HOMEcoming’s Mini Radical Sabbatical: Decolonize, Dismantle, Dive Deep
On Self-Betrayal and Boundaries
What they do? They smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the backstabbers, backstabbers…
The O’Jays play in my head as I reflect on my struggles with boundaries.
Ohhhhh boundaries, a pretty catchy term that sounds assertive and emotionally intelligent and is soooooo motha lovin’ hard to know and to hold, for me at least. I came to learn about my porous boundaries and my lack of boundaries and my over-identifying as a caregiver after being lovingly called in by spiritual care practitioner, Sarah Cargill of Snakeskin Tarot, on my self-betrayal. So guess who’s backstabbing who? It is I folks, I am the backstabber.
As I stayed the course on my dive into my healing journey I learned that I was choosing to disregard, ignore, and/or dismiss my discomforts, my desires, my needs, and my preferences for the sake of honoring another’s discomforts, desires, needs and preferences. To be fair and gentle with myself, I wasn’t always fully cognizant that I was doing this, my needs felt more like malleable preferences, and I was also in the practice of being out of my body due to the impacts of working with trauma survivors and not having a healthy work/life balance. Being in a dissociated state often perpetuated this self-betrayal, but nonetheless I was my own backstabber. My most frequent and insidious transgression in self-betrayal was denying/minimizing my needs to preserve a relationship, followed by people pleasing and appeasing. Agreeing to do things I didn’t want to do, lack of trust in Self, and lack of boundaries/porous boundaries were all part of the mix.
So what was this mere mortal to do with all of this trauma-response self-inflicted harm? Deny. Get pissed. Cry. Deny some more. Blame others. Sob inconsolably. If this sounds like the stages of grief, it’s because it is. Accepting that I was causing myself harm was at first a “nope, not happening.” But over time, with A LOT A LOT A LOT of tending to myself and being witnessed and held by trusted folks, my efforts to accept my own betrayal became more easeful, eventually offering me great relief and comfort knowing that I truly can and do create the life I want to live.
Tending to my childhood wounds, seeking mental, spiritual and physical care, and staying in my integrity have all been incredibly supportive and transformative practices in honoring my own needs, desires and preferences, which in turn allows me to honor my boundaries. And whenever I need a concise, firm reminder, I lean on Prentis Hemphill:
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
If this conversation resonates with you and you’re in the Louisville area and feel called to share in space and conversation, please join us at HOMEcoming’s Mini Radical Sabbatical: Decolonize, Dismantle, Dive Deep on Sunday October 27th for some tending to Self in community. We will be focusing on Self-Betrayal and Boundaries.
I’m looking forward to facilitating thoughtful, strengths-based, spiritually embodied discussion and practices about these questions together. What you discover may have the potential to transmute what no longer serves you, which may in turn prepare you to decolonize, dismantle, and dive deep into our collective potential for healing and liberation. A tall order? Yes, if we are alone. But together we can make lighter this needed work.
My offering to you in our Radical Sabbatical:
· Co-created, safe space with nourishing snacks and hot tea
· Engaging conversation about the systemic issues we all face together/individually
· Embodied practices you can take with you to ground your daily life
This is the third session of a weekly series this fall, so check the calendar and if this date doesn’t work for you, please do check other dates as well. And if you’d like to have a HOMEcoming Radical Sabbatical experience for your private group or team, I am accepting bookings through 2025.
Mad love and care,
Arlene
P.S.
I welcome you to contemplate and be in conversation with community, reflecting on these questions in the comments:
How does it feel in your body when you and/or others honor your boundaries?
How does it feel in your body when you and/or others do not honor your boundaries?
I’m interested in hearing from you.